Giving in to Chocolate

Forgot to post this two weeks ago.

Really struggling. Two days ago I had a sugar free day but I had great time teaching an English class, so I was on a fun high afterward. All I could think about was having some fast food. So I stopped for a burger and fries. Then later I kept eating--rice, cheese, and finally a glass of oj. Wow, so sweet and it tasted so good. I could have drunk a whole carton, I think. But I didn't --mostly cuz the oj belonged to my roommate. Then yesterday, after work I decided I had to have some chocolate. I stopped at 7-11 for gas and also got two large candy bars. They were delicious. I didn't let myself feel guilty--easier to do when I watch stuff non-stop on Netflix then follow up with a book until I fall asleep. So this morning, because I had chocolate last night, I see that as an excuse to keep going--like once I'm sinning might as well sin big. So I got two chocolate frosted donuts and a frappuccino in a bottle. Why do I always buy raised donuts when they never taste as good as they look? I just eat the top half--the frosting and throw the rest away. The coffee drink was so bad that I poured out what I hadn't drunk when I got to work. Then at my break time, same reasoning, I got a coffee and two chocolate bars. The first one was nice, but the second just tasted too sweet. It was not satisfying at all. It tasted like guilt. I brought such healthy food with me from home--I really didn't need any of the sugar crap I bought. Tomorrow I will have an absolutely NO sugar day so that I can write about it the next day. I need some success here.

PS. I did not have a sugar free day that next day, but I have had one or two since I wrote this.

Exercise

I started working out at a macho gym where they teach boxing. The workouts are a mix of stuff--pushups, pullups, ab work, lunges, squats, jump rope, weights, etc. I hate it mostly but all I care about is that I can afford it, I can go just before or after work, and someone is there no only holding me accountable, but also encouraging me. They keep telling me that I will lose weight because 1) my metabolism will improve and 2) I feel so good about getting fit that I'll eventually stop putting bad stuff in my mouth. All I can say about that is "I'm really glad I drive by the donut shop 10 seconds after I leave the gyme and not right before I get to work--driving past without stopping is easier since each time I pass, I have just finished a work out. But I still struggle constantly with sugar cravings and give in almost every day. Last night I ate a huge bowl of chicken enchiladas and then had to have something sweet--so I grabbed a huge handful of mini marshmallows. What is it with the marshmallows? I don't love them. I guess it's the squishiness. I love how they are like little sugary pillows. Like combining candy and sleeping. Sleepytime candy. On the nights when I manage to forgo the sugar I'm still drinking a couple of glasses of red wine. But that at least I can justify by saying it's good for my heart. Supposedly. Just read something the other day that said you'd need to drink a BOTTLE of red wine to get the benefits that nutritionists talk about.

Right this very minute I could have a gross coffee from the vending machine, tea, or a Zevia (stevia pop) but all I can think about is vending machine candy bars. Milky Way in particular.

I'm depressed because my cat has disappeared and I'm pretty sure she's not coming back based on the fact that she has never left my side for more than 8 hours. I miss her sweet meows and the way she would touch my face with her paw when she wanted food or for me to open the door. It was the cutest thing. Mostly I just miss her company. The fact that she was always there when I got home and always let me give her a big hug.