The Perfect Bite

A lot of people (not Alot of People--that wouldn't be pretty--all those arms and legs and eyes everywhere, see what I mean here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html --her whole blog is hilarious, but this post is probably is the best . In the picture you see alot of sun) at Overeaters Anonymous talk about working to get "that perfect bite"--the bite that would make it ok to stop eating. I never want to eat anything boring (for example lentils only seasoned with salt) because then I never get that perfect bite. All the bites are so so. I want a good sauce to cover all my food or the mayonnaise to go out to the edges of my bread so that there are no bites without mayonnaise. But I've noticed recently that the chocolate things that I have been eating recently never seem to ever satisfy me. If I eat one mini Hershey's candy bar that someone offers me at work, then it tastes incredibly good and so I want 10 more. But the more of them I eat, the less I pay attention, so each consecutive bite tastes just a little less amazing than the first. I've also noticed that when I search for something to eat at the grocery store, I'm never successful in finding that perfect candy bar--mainly because my two favorite candy bars seem to have disappeared: Ghirardelli's milk chocolate bar with very gooey caramel inside and Chocolove's Hazelnuts in milk chocolate. Or Ding Dongs that disappeared with Twinkies. That I can't find them would seem like a sign, if I believed in signs, which I definitely do not.

So two days ago I was roaming around King Soopers looking for that perfect sweet thing to eat. That thing that will make my brain explode with pleasure. Cake? No, a single piece of cake never tastes as good a piece from a huge sheet cake and I can't afford a whole sheet cake. Milano cookies? No. Not amazing enough. A chocolate bar? Nothing looks just right. A toffee Symphony bar? No--you know those never taste as delicious as you remember them tasting years ago. Cadbury's candy coated eggs? No, another one where you keep eating until you've eaten the whole bag and don't remember eating any but ten of them--and they make tongue start to hurt after a while, like the coating rubs it raw or something. Cadbury cream eggs with the yellow "yolk" inside? No, they are almost too sweet and they are really expensive. The last time I bought five, that wasn't enough. So in the end, I actually managed to talk myself out of buying anything sweet.

So I've been trying to remember this experience when I go into a store, telling myself that nothing ever tastes amazing enough--yes, that first and second bite do, but then it's impossible to stop. So every bite after that becomes less and less delicious and adds a pound of guilt. So isn't it better to never take that first bite? Take the bite or don't--either way you're going to crave more and more and more. But without the first bite there is some hope for improvement and none of the guilt.

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What I would like to stop is this obsessive thinking. Do other people spend a half and hour in the grocery store NOT buying something and feeling tortured by either buying or not buying a candy bar? I hate how much money I waste on candy. It has no nutritional value AND makes me gain weight, so I'd actually be better off cutting up a five dollar bill in small pieces and using it for confetti.

Today I had splenda-sweetened water all morning (Dasani drops in pink lemonade flavor), a diet coke with my lunch, a stevia-sweetened coffee after lunch and then more splenda water. And for lunch I had a half cup of rice pudding with sugar-- my reasoning was that since this was a very good Indian restaurant, the pudding would be really awesome and it would be a shame to pass it up.

Sunday night, my roommate brought home Krispy Kreme donuts from a party and I ate three or four at one go. No food is more delicious that can be eaten so quickly. It takes about ten seconds to eat one. I'm sure I could stuff a whole one in my mouth at one go, but I try to make them last.

But on Monday I passed up Hershey's kisses when they were passed around at a meeting--I actually got up and walked away before the woman with the basket full of kisses could offer me any. But later that night I had Honey Nut Cheerios with milk. Still, it was better than having those damn chocolate eggs.

In the Evenings

Some days I do well during the day, but then in the evening, I feel that I MUST have a dessert of some kind. Last night I ate fairly healthily all day but for dinner I had a burger, fries (ketchup is loaded w/ sugar), and a diet soda. Then when I got home I had cough drops (with sugar), a bowl of my roommates Honey Nut Cheerios, and some of her kids' candy: a toosie roll and a small candy bar. I wanted badly to go to the store and buy cookies or chocolate pudding but the fact that I was already in bed and it seemed too compulsive to drive to the store for that. Plus I kept thinking about how much money I basically waste on sweets, since they have nothing to do with feeding myself. At least French fries I can fool myself into thinking it's ok to eat them because they are food with nutrients.

I am feeling rebellious about going to OA (AA meetings). People at the meetings tell you you can't do it on your own. That you must go to meetings, call your sponsor, call your friends, etc. But I'm depressed. And lazy. I don't WANNA. I am definitely a toddler when it comes to going to meetings. I stamped my feet and fling myself on the bed and say NO.

Sugary Weekend

Had another bad, sugary weekend. Saturday finished up my roommate's Samoa Girl Scout cookies (the coconut ones I don't even really like!). Sunday I had toast and tomato soup for lunch. After a healthy dinner I bought an ice cream cone but the ice cream was so sweet that I only ate half and tossed the rest out the car window. But then not even half an hour later I bought a diet coke (aspartame booo) and a brownie at Subway. What's the point of a diet coke if you're also going to eat a brownie?

So today. Starting over. AGAIN. Wish I could keep in mind why I'm doing this: 1) will improve depression--or at least not make it worse 2) will help me lose weight 3) will help me save money 4) will give me some self respect and a feeling of control over my life 5) will help me eat less flour because cake and cookies have flour as well as sugar. However, none of this comes to mind when I'm thinking about chocolate cake.

Today I have had so far a turkey, cheese, spinach, cucumber, and jalapeno 6" sandwich from Subway. 6 dried apple slices. A latte with sugar-free caramel flavoring. Trying not to freak about about either the bread on the sandwich or the fake sugar in the coffee as my main goal must be toeing the bottom line of no sugar.

Crack Mints

Girl Scout Thin Mints. They are the death of me. I've asked my roommate to hide her chocolate or disguise it, but she's a mom with little kids, a full time student, and she works full time, so I understand that they doesn't have time to worry about my obsession with and weakness for chocolate or my compulsion to overeat. Anyway, I ate the remaining sleeve (about16 cookies?) that she had stuck in the freezer. The next day (and last day of GS cookie sales) I bought a box to replace her cookies. At first I was like, "I'm going to give her the whole box!". Then I was like, "I'll eat one sleeve and she'll have the other to replace the one I stole." Then the next evening, I let my reptilian/cookie monster brain take over and ate the second sleeve too. So that's three nights in a row I've eaten a long row of cookies. And on two of those nights I threw up the cookies and what I had (over)eaten for dinner. I don't consider myself bulimic because I probably only throw up once or twice per month. It's more occasional bad behavior than bulimia.

I don't usually work on a Saturday, but I'm doing some overtime today. I brought a pretty healthy breakfast: corn tortilla chips, salsa, homemade pico de gallo, guacamole, and refried beans. But I'm in a room by myself that I normally share with several other people M-F. So I'm all alone and it makes it so much easier to cheat because no one can see me. I bought two candy bars from the vending machine. Because if I'd just had one I would have wanted another one immediately so I saved myself the trouble and bought two. About an hour later I was a sugarblob--sleepy and listless. I don't want to be this person that keeps giving in and giving in to the cravings. The candy makes me feel slow AND it's making me fat AND I feel morally weak (well, not morally, but what do you call it when you don't have the backbone to stand up to a Milkyway bar?) when I have it.

WARNING: I am writing this blog to deal with my feelings and this next part is really depressing. So don't read this next part if you can't put up with whining.

I'm going to see my mom and dad tonight and I don't like seeing them when I'm eating badly. My dad recently admitted that he's embarrassed to be seen with me in public because of my weight (120 kilos/265 pounds) so when I'm doing poorly foodwise I just feel so depressed. Unlovable. It's crazy though--I don't want to give my dad the satisfaction of seeing me lose weight. That really is crazy. A few years ago I had a really great boyfriend who loved me just as I was, but my dad still thinks I'll never find a man unless I lose weight. Statistically, he's more likely to be right, but I perversely want to prove him wrong. I can be fat and still be sexy! And you can screw yourself, Dad!

It's really hard to reset my emotions in the middle of the day. If I eat something bad for me at night, I can go to sleep and start fresh in the morning. But I don't feel like starting fresh is possible at noon. At the same time I know it's a silly idea to keep eating poorly for the rest of the day just because I had two candy bars at 10 am.