Crack Mints

Girl Scout Thin Mints. They are the death of me. I've asked my roommate to hide her chocolate or disguise it, but she's a mom with little kids, a full time student, and she works full time, so I understand that they doesn't have time to worry about my obsession with and weakness for chocolate or my compulsion to overeat. Anyway, I ate the remaining sleeve (about16 cookies?) that she had stuck in the freezer. The next day (and last day of GS cookie sales) I bought a box to replace her cookies. At first I was like, "I'm going to give her the whole box!". Then I was like, "I'll eat one sleeve and she'll have the other to replace the one I stole." Then the next evening, I let my reptilian/cookie monster brain take over and ate the second sleeve too. So that's three nights in a row I've eaten a long row of cookies. And on two of those nights I threw up the cookies and what I had (over)eaten for dinner. I don't consider myself bulimic because I probably only throw up once or twice per month. It's more occasional bad behavior than bulimia.

I don't usually work on a Saturday, but I'm doing some overtime today. I brought a pretty healthy breakfast: corn tortilla chips, salsa, homemade pico de gallo, guacamole, and refried beans. But I'm in a room by myself that I normally share with several other people M-F. So I'm all alone and it makes it so much easier to cheat because no one can see me. I bought two candy bars from the vending machine. Because if I'd just had one I would have wanted another one immediately so I saved myself the trouble and bought two. About an hour later I was a sugarblob--sleepy and listless. I don't want to be this person that keeps giving in and giving in to the cravings. The candy makes me feel slow AND it's making me fat AND I feel morally weak (well, not morally, but what do you call it when you don't have the backbone to stand up to a Milkyway bar?) when I have it.

WARNING: I am writing this blog to deal with my feelings and this next part is really depressing. So don't read this next part if you can't put up with whining.

I'm going to see my mom and dad tonight and I don't like seeing them when I'm eating badly. My dad recently admitted that he's embarrassed to be seen with me in public because of my weight (120 kilos/265 pounds) so when I'm doing poorly foodwise I just feel so depressed. Unlovable. It's crazy though--I don't want to give my dad the satisfaction of seeing me lose weight. That really is crazy. A few years ago I had a really great boyfriend who loved me just as I was, but my dad still thinks I'll never find a man unless I lose weight. Statistically, he's more likely to be right, but I perversely want to prove him wrong. I can be fat and still be sexy! And you can screw yourself, Dad!

It's really hard to reset my emotions in the middle of the day. If I eat something bad for me at night, I can go to sleep and start fresh in the morning. But I don't feel like starting fresh is possible at noon. At the same time I know it's a silly idea to keep eating poorly for the rest of the day just because I had two candy bars at 10 am.